Tag Archives: body language

The dating game and Autistic adolescents

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The Dating Game and Autistic Adolescents

Typical teenagers are usually enthusiastic about going beyond friendship and experiencing the dating game. They are exploring their new sexual awareness, who they find attractive, and who is attracted to them. Their romantic and sensual experiences become a major topic of conversation with peer advice on the ‘rules’ of the dating game. Our clinical experience suggests this may not be the case for autistic teenagers. They may be delayed by several years in being interested in a romantic relationship and have difficulty resonating with their peers’ interest in dating. They are also often socially isolated and may not have a circle of friends who discuss and disclose information on dating and sexuality.

In order to participate in the dating game, it is important to read subtle non-verbal communication that indicates mutual attraction and explore one another’s expectations in a romantic relationship. Typical teenagers understand dating conventions from intuition, observation and discussion with their peers. When dating, both partners progress along the relationship continuum at a reciprocally agreed and mutually enjoyed pace. Typical adolescents have considerable experience with many friendships, developing conflict management strategies and the art of compromise. They also know how much time to spend together and communicate through social media.

Autistic adolescents often need guidance and support in each of these dimensions.

Reading body language

There are many subtle ways that body language can indicate an interest in someone, such as the head tilted to one side, which means I am listening, nodding to indicate agreement or approval, smiling to indicate feeling happy with the conversation and looking at the other person’s face, especially the eyes to read the person’s feelings. There are other ways to tell that someone is interested in or likes someone, such as going out of their way to engage in a conversation, wanting to sit together and often giving compliments to the person they like. It is also important to know when body language expresses not interested such as frequently looking away, avoiding eye contact and a ‘closed’ body posture and flat facial expression.

A characteristic of autistic adolescents is difficulty accurately reading the intentions and personalities of their peers. Someone’s act of kindness may be interpreted as meaning more than was intended. Some personalities frequently engage in touch during a conversation due to their culture which may not be a sign of seeking a romantic attachment. Typical teenagers often have friends they can consult regarding the intentions of a potential dating partner.

Attraction

It is important to explore what aspects of personality, abilities, and appearance are attractive when seeking someone to date. There are differences in what adolescent girls and boys may seek. There is a general convention that girls may have a greater emphasis on personality and ability attributes and boys on physical attributes. When we have discussed attraction with autistic teenagers this convention can be maintained, but we have found that attributes such as intellect, being accepted and understood, sense of humour, and similar interests have been rated as more important for autistic than typical adolescents.

Asking someone for a date

An autistic adolescent may rehearse and need guidance on asking someone on a date or responding to an invitation for a date. They need to consider where the date will be and who may also be there. Autistic adolescents may be naïve, trusting, and unaware of being in a potentially risky situation.

There are also aspects of what to wear on a date, topics of conversation and knowing if the date is mutually enjoyable.

The development of a romantic relationship

A romantic relationship may evolve into disclosing deeper and more personal inner thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Some autistic adolescents may have alexithymia which is difficulty disclosing and explaining inner thoughts and emotions through speech. Their romantic partner may be concerned that self-disclosure may not have the same degree of depth and reciprocity.

The agreed ‘balance’ of touch, affection, and sensual experiences can be an issue. An autistic adolescent may need guidance on these aspects of a romantic relationship as a characteristic of autism can be a sensitivity to tactile experiences, especially those that may occur with gestures of affection and may extend to sensual and sexual experiences (Gray, Kirby and Holmes 2021) There is also the potential issue of reading the signals and context when the typical partner anticipates gestures and words of affection and compassion. There will need to be open communication and mutual understanding.

There may also be an issue of recognising the human sexual response for both partners and education with regard to sexuality (Attwood, 2008; Dekker et al 2017; Hartman 2014; Henault 2006 Visser 2017)

As the relationship progresses there could be concerns with regard to the amount of time spent together and communication on social media. There is potential for the enthusiasm of one partner to be perceived as too intrusive and intense, with a risk of them ‘wearing out their welcome’. Guidance from peers and parents can be very helpful.

The experience of love

A characteristic of autism is having difficulty perceiving and regulating emotions. Clinically we tend to focus on feelings of anxiety, sadness and anger, but love is a feeling. We have developed a programme From Like to Love to help young autistic children understand, express and enjoy love and affection with family and friends (Attwood and Garnett 2013). Many strategies apply to autistic adolescents embarking on the dating game, with age-appropriate adaptation, which includes expressions of love that are perceived as inappropriate or too intense, such as accusations of stalking (Post et al 2017)

An autistic teenager may also experience high levels of anxiety when meeting and being with a person towards whom they have strong feelings of affection and ruminate on their social/romantic performance. They may need guidance in coping with the emotion of love and anxiety.

Knowing the relationship is going well or not well

There are signs that the relationship is going well, such as both partners being happy to see each other, having a genuine interest in each other’s experiences, thoughts and feelings, smiling, laughing and having fun together with each feeling free to be their natural self and feeling safe and relaxed.

There is also the question of knowing the signs that the relationship is not going well. These negative signs may be the opposite of the positive signs described above, such as being critical and finding fault. We have found that another sign is one of the partners being possessive or controlling.

Adolescent romantic relationships often have a ‘use by date’ and may last from days to months and occasionally years. Adolescents may experience the ending of a relationship several times; sometimes, it is their choice, and sometimes not. There are many ways of ending a relationship; if an autistic person makes that decision, they will need guidance on how to do that appropriately. If the decision is from their romantic partner, they will experience rejection which may be reminiscent of rejection from previous friendships or romantic relationships. There will need to be time and support for recovery, to move on and not ruminate on the relationship, and to acknowledge what has been learned about the dating game from the relationship.

Long-term relationships

The focus has been on the dating game in adolescence, when romantic relationships may have a limited duration. However, many characteristics of autism contribute to a successful long-term relationship. These include kindness and a sense of social justice, loyalty and integrity, ability in a chosen career in science, technology, the arts and caring professions, passion for knowledge, and maternal and paternal abilities.

References and resources

Attwood S. (2008) Making Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People with Asperger’s Syndrome. Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Attwood and Garnett (2013) From Like to Love Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Dekker et al (2015) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 45 (6)

Gray, Kirby and Holmes (2021) Autism in Adulthood

Hartman D. (2014) Sexuality and Relationship Education for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorders Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Henault I. (2006) Asperger’s Syndrome and Sexuality. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Post et al (2014) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 44:11

Uhlenkamp (2009) The Guide to Dating for Teenagers with Asperger Syndrome Autism Asperger Publishing Company

Visser, K et al., (2017) A randomized controlled trial to examine the effects of the Tackling Teenage psychosexual training program for adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 58:7, (2017) pp 840-850

Nonspeaking autism and body language

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Nonspeaking autism and body language

Autistic children and adults who do not develop speech can express their thoughts and feelings by body language. There can be conventional body language but also the development of unusual or autistic mannerisms whose communicative intent is interpreted by a parent or teacher. These ‘signature’ mannerisms can express emotions such as happiness by literally jumping with joy and a happy ‘dance’, anxiety by rocking and pacing and agitation by biting their hand or arm. The mannerisms have a message that can include:

I’m happy

I don’t know what to do

Leave me alone

Please help me

I feel anxious and stressed

We recommend that parents and teachers record on their mobile or cell phone the mannerisms that express different dimensions and levels of emotion and specific thoughts. These could be the body language that express different levels of happiness such as finger movements that resemble playing a piano at a low level of happiness to jumping up and down with intense excitement. It will be important to record the mannerisms that indicate increasing levels of agitation that precede a meltdown. The strategy is to create a ‘foreign phrase’ dictionary of mannerisms that ‘translates’ the action so that parents and teachers can respond appropriately.

Some autistic mannerisms have been conceptualised as examples of ‘stimming’ and that they must be inhibited. However, the mannerisms often have a constructive purpose to reduce stress and nervous energy. A speaking autistic person described how his mannerisms can “release the pressure that’s built up inside me, as though a weight has been lifted from my chest” Intervention can encourage a range of appropriate alternative stress reduction actions.

There are mannerisms that are mesmerising and created to reduce sensory sensitivity. Temple Grandin described how:

“Intensely preoccupied with the movement of the spinning coin or lid, I saw nothing or heard nothing. People around me were transparent and no sound intruded on my fixation. It was as if I was deaf. Even a sudden loud noise didn’t startle me from my world. But when I was in the world of people, I was extremely sensitive to noise” Grandin and Scariano 1986.

We recognise that there can be a mind-body division associated with autism and some mannerisms can be a way of achieving a mind-body connection. Some mannerisms serve the function of ‘starting the engine’ or ‘changing gear’, a behavioural prosthesis for a movement disorder. An autistic child may also engage in spinning and twirling as a form of choreography or ‘dance’ that is an enjoyment of freedom of movement and being able to control your body.

In summary, the mannerism have both a message and a purpose and it is important that we ‘read’ the autistic child or adults body language to enhance their ability to communicate their thoughts, feelings and experiences.

References

Grandin, T. and Scariano, M. (1986). Emergence: Labelled Autistic. Novato, California: Arena Press.