Tag Archives: love

Relationships for Autistic Women

Posted on by

Relationships for Autistic women

Foundations for relationship skills

The foundations for relationship skills are created from friendship experiences throughout childhood. The skills include trust, loyalty, compromise, and emotional support. Autistic women may have had fewer but more intense friendships than non-autistic women during childhood and adolescence (Sedgewick et al., 2019). A series of single best friends can become the sole focus of their friendship experiences, and the intensity and difficulty of understanding and managing conflict can result in friends disengaging. There can subsequently be a tendency for the autistic adolescent to self-blame and assume the friendship cannot be rescued.

A friendship characteristic of autistic girls is to have social anxiety before and during time with a friend; as in the following quotation, I get anxious because I have to behave neurotypically to do the right thing. Engaging with a friend can be mentally exhausting, even if the time together is mutually enjoyable (Crompton et al., 2020). Another friendship feature described in the same study is knowing what other people want in a friend, which is the basis of knowing what a partner seeks in a long-term relationship. Autistic adolescents may also have experienced relational bullying, such as gossip, being deliberately excluded, teasing, humiliation, and peer rejection which will affect the ability to trust a friend or potential partner.

During adolescence, there is often limited sexual knowledge from peers, but an autistic adolescent or young adult may perceive engagement in sexual behaviour as a means of facilitating relationships and attaining social approval from peers (Pecora et al., 2022).

They may seek a relationship but may not realise they are being taken advantage of and misinterpret the sexual intentions of others. Recent research suggests that many autistic women have been victims of sexual assault and rape, usually in early adulthood or at university. (Sedgewick et al., 2019). A recent study of several hundred autistic adults found that 46.5% of autistic women reported experiencing sexual violence.  Autistic women were also less likely than non-autistic women to have confided in anyone about such experiences. (Gibbs et al., 2021)

An abusive partner

The relationship naivety, vulnerability and gullibility of young autistic women increase the risk of being in an abusive relationship. The abusive partner is attracted to their childlike innocence, lack of assertiveness and limited friendship and relationship experience. She probably does not have a network of friends to tell her what to expect in a relationship and to advise her on her choice of partner.

Our clinical experience and research indicate that autistic women are likely to stay in abusive relationships for several reasons (Sedgewick et al., 2019). Low self-esteem contributes to not perceiving that they are worthy of a conventional relationship; as illustrated in the following quotation, I set my expectations very low and, as a result, gravitated towards abusive people. There is also the reason of not having the intuitive relationship ‘radar’ to identify someone with malevolent intentions. There can be a tendency to take someone ‘at face value’ and believe what someone says rather than perceiving their covert intentions and risky situations. Even with an effective radar, there can be a reluctance to judge their abusive partner, as in the following quotation: Sometimes, we have good radar but talk ourselves out of it. We think we have to give them a chance, not make rash judgements, and we don’t want to treat people badly. We give them the benefit of the doubt. A relationship partner may take advantage of an autistic woman’s benevolent attitude.

Some autistic women are likely to stay in an abusive relationship because it is easier than finding a new one (Sedgewick et al., 2019), and we would add they may not have the self-confidence to end the relationship. However, we have found that confirmation of a diagnosis of autism while in an abusive relationship can lead to greater assertiveness and determination to end the abuse.

Nonautistic partner

Another choice of partner is a nonautistic person who genuinely falls deeply in love with an autistic woman, seeks to make her happy and fulfilled and provides social, emotional, and practical support. This may be someone who is socially motivated, talented, and gregarious and can understand and accept autistic characteristics in their partner. They may provide guidance in social situations, help moderate emotional reactions and makes accommodations for aspects of autism such as sensory sensitivity. The autistic woman feels safe and supported.

We have considerable literature on relationship support when the male in the relationship is autistic, but only two books when the autistic partner is a woman. Rudy Simone has written 22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome wants her partner to know (Simone, 2012), and Alis Rowe, otherwise known as The Girl with the Curly Hair, has written Asperger’s Syndrome for the Neurotypical Partner: Helping Long-term relationships when the woman has ASD (Rowe, 2014).

Alice Rowe writes that an autistic woman may be loved because she is very honest and direct, has a strong sense of social justice, is creative and has a deep empathic connection with animals. She may love her non-autistic partner’s ability to guide and reassure her in social situations, explain her autistic features to herself and others, and moderate her intense emotions. Her partner can also help her cope with the unexpected and uncertainty, painful sensory experiences and the proximity of too many people. There can also be guidance when making small talk and on what to wear for a specific event.  A non-autistic partner may also tolerate and show compassion for her distress and agitation over what their partner perceives as a trivial event, such as a missing the apostrophe in a shop sign and the pharmacy opening at 9:04, not at 9:00. There is also the acceptance that she has limited social motivation and social energy, is reluctant to try new experiences, finds it hard to perceive her partner’s point of view and may tend to be critical and correcting (Rowe, 2014).

Our clinical experience and research on such a relationship indicate that both partners report low satisfaction with emotional communication, amount of leisure time together and intimacy (Ying Yew et al., 2021). The non-autistic partner will be confused when conventional emotional repair mechanisms they use are not effective and may be perceived by their autistic partner as aversive, as in the following thought dialogue from Alis Rowe when a non-autistic partner puts his arm around his sad autistic partner:

It makes me feel better hugging her when she is sad. I enjoy the physical closeness.

It’s too much. I feel overwhelmed being touched when I’m sad. I don’t want to be hugged right now.

What did I do wrong? She’s pushing me away.

His touch right now is unpleasant and physically painful.

I’m upset she doesn’t want me to hug her. It’s what couples do. I feel rejected.

Both partners may benefit from relationship counselling to explore each other’s perspectives, improve communication and enhance the relationship. There is a range of books on relationships where one partner is autistic published by www.jkp.com

An autistic partner

Another choice of partner is an autistic rather than a non-autistic partner. Research indicates that one in ten autistic men and one in three autistic women report having a partner who is also autistic (Dwinter et al., 2017). Adjusting and adapting to differences in autistic and nonautistic verbal and non-verbal communication styles requires considerable mental energy and can be the source of relationship conflict. When both partners are autistic, there is less need to mask or suppress autism, being the authentic self, with considerable mental health benefits (Crompton et al., 2020). When both partners are autistic, there can be mutual feelings of comfort and ease with similar communication styles and the ability to cope with social engagement.

There will be similar abilities, past experiences, and shared interests, such as animal welfare, opera, art or a career such as entomology or medicine. Both need and enjoy periods of solitude and can collude together in avoiding social commitments. Autistic individuals whose partners are also autistic report greater relationship satisfaction than those whose partner is not autistic (Ying Yew et al., 2021).

References

Crompton et al. (2020) Autism 24

Dwinter et al. (2017) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 57

Gibbs et al. (2021) Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders 89

Pecora et al. (2022) Autism 26

Rowe A. (2014). Asperger’s Syndrome for the Neurotypical Partner: Helping long-term relationships when the woman has ASD Lonely Mind Books, London

Sedgewick et al. (2019). Autism in Adulthood 1

Simone R. (2012) 22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome wants her partner to know Jessica Kingsley Publishers, London.

Ying Yew et al. (2021). Personal Relationships

The dating game and Autistic adolescents

Posted on by

The Dating Game and Autistic Adolescents

Typical teenagers are usually enthusiastic about going beyond friendship and experiencing the dating game. They are exploring their new sexual awareness, who they find attractive, and who is attracted to them. Their romantic and sensual experiences become a major topic of conversation with peer advice on the ‘rules’ of the dating game. Our clinical experience suggests this may not be the case for autistic teenagers. They may be delayed by several years in being interested in a romantic relationship and have difficulty resonating with their peers’ interest in dating. They are also often socially isolated and may not have a circle of friends who discuss and disclose information on dating and sexuality.

In order to participate in the dating game, it is important to read subtle non-verbal communication that indicates mutual attraction and explore one another’s expectations in a romantic relationship. Typical teenagers understand dating conventions from intuition, observation and discussion with their peers. When dating, both partners progress along the relationship continuum at a reciprocally agreed and mutually enjoyed pace. Typical adolescents have considerable experience with many friendships, developing conflict management strategies and the art of compromise. They also know how much time to spend together and communicate through social media.

Autistic adolescents often need guidance and support in each of these dimensions.

Reading body language

There are many subtle ways that body language can indicate an interest in someone, such as the head tilted to one side, which means I am listening, nodding to indicate agreement or approval, smiling to indicate feeling happy with the conversation and looking at the other person’s face, especially the eyes to read the person’s feelings. There are other ways to tell that someone is interested in or likes someone, such as going out of their way to engage in a conversation, wanting to sit together and often giving compliments to the person they like. It is also important to know when body language expresses not interested such as frequently looking away, avoiding eye contact and a ‘closed’ body posture and flat facial expression.

A characteristic of autistic adolescents is difficulty accurately reading the intentions and personalities of their peers. Someone’s act of kindness may be interpreted as meaning more than was intended. Some personalities frequently engage in touch during a conversation due to their culture which may not be a sign of seeking a romantic attachment. Typical teenagers often have friends they can consult regarding the intentions of a potential dating partner.

Attraction

It is important to explore what aspects of personality, abilities, and appearance are attractive when seeking someone to date. There are differences in what adolescent girls and boys may seek. There is a general convention that girls may have a greater emphasis on personality and ability attributes and boys on physical attributes. When we have discussed attraction with autistic teenagers this convention can be maintained, but we have found that attributes such as intellect, being accepted and understood, sense of humour, and similar interests have been rated as more important for autistic than typical adolescents.

Asking someone for a date

An autistic adolescent may rehearse and need guidance on asking someone on a date or responding to an invitation for a date. They need to consider where the date will be and who may also be there. Autistic adolescents may be naïve, trusting, and unaware of being in a potentially risky situation.

There are also aspects of what to wear on a date, topics of conversation and knowing if the date is mutually enjoyable.

The development of a romantic relationship

A romantic relationship may evolve into disclosing deeper and more personal inner thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Some autistic adolescents may have alexithymia which is difficulty disclosing and explaining inner thoughts and emotions through speech. Their romantic partner may be concerned that self-disclosure may not have the same degree of depth and reciprocity.

The agreed ‘balance’ of touch, affection, and sensual experiences can be an issue. An autistic adolescent may need guidance on these aspects of a romantic relationship as a characteristic of autism can be a sensitivity to tactile experiences, especially those that may occur with gestures of affection and may extend to sensual and sexual experiences (Gray, Kirby and Holmes 2021) There is also the potential issue of reading the signals and context when the typical partner anticipates gestures and words of affection and compassion. There will need to be open communication and mutual understanding.

There may also be an issue of recognising the human sexual response for both partners and education with regard to sexuality (Attwood, 2008; Dekker et al 2017; Hartman 2014; Henault 2006 Visser 2017)

As the relationship progresses there could be concerns with regard to the amount of time spent together and communication on social media. There is potential for the enthusiasm of one partner to be perceived as too intrusive and intense, with a risk of them ‘wearing out their welcome’. Guidance from peers and parents can be very helpful.

The experience of love

A characteristic of autism is having difficulty perceiving and regulating emotions. Clinically we tend to focus on feelings of anxiety, sadness and anger, but love is a feeling. We have developed a programme From Like to Love to help young autistic children understand, express and enjoy love and affection with family and friends (Attwood and Garnett 2013). Many strategies apply to autistic adolescents embarking on the dating game, with age-appropriate adaptation, which includes expressions of love that are perceived as inappropriate or too intense, such as accusations of stalking (Post et al 2017)

An autistic teenager may also experience high levels of anxiety when meeting and being with a person towards whom they have strong feelings of affection and ruminate on their social/romantic performance. They may need guidance in coping with the emotion of love and anxiety.

Knowing the relationship is going well or not well

There are signs that the relationship is going well, such as both partners being happy to see each other, having a genuine interest in each other’s experiences, thoughts and feelings, smiling, laughing and having fun together with each feeling free to be their natural self and feeling safe and relaxed.

There is also the question of knowing the signs that the relationship is not going well. These negative signs may be the opposite of the positive signs described above, such as being critical and finding fault. We have found that another sign is one of the partners being possessive or controlling.

Adolescent romantic relationships often have a ‘use by date’ and may last from days to months and occasionally years. Adolescents may experience the ending of a relationship several times; sometimes, it is their choice, and sometimes not. There are many ways of ending a relationship; if an autistic person makes that decision, they will need guidance on how to do that appropriately. If the decision is from their romantic partner, they will experience rejection which may be reminiscent of rejection from previous friendships or romantic relationships. There will need to be time and support for recovery, to move on and not ruminate on the relationship, and to acknowledge what has been learned about the dating game from the relationship.

Long-term relationships

The focus has been on the dating game in adolescence, when romantic relationships may have a limited duration. However, many characteristics of autism contribute to a successful long-term relationship. These include kindness and a sense of social justice, loyalty and integrity, ability in a chosen career in science, technology, the arts and caring professions, passion for knowledge, and maternal and paternal abilities.

References and resources

Attwood S. (2008) Making Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People with Asperger’s Syndrome. Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Attwood and Garnett (2013) From Like to Love Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Dekker et al (2015) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 45 (6)

Gray, Kirby and Holmes (2021) Autism in Adulthood

Hartman D. (2014) Sexuality and Relationship Education for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorders Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Henault I. (2006) Asperger’s Syndrome and Sexuality. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Post et al (2014) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 44:11

Uhlenkamp (2009) The Guide to Dating for Teenagers with Asperger Syndrome Autism Asperger Publishing Company

Visser, K et al., (2017) A randomized controlled trial to examine the effects of the Tackling Teenage psychosexual training program for adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 58:7, (2017) pp 840-850