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Relationships for Autistic Women

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Relationships for Autistic women

Foundations for relationship skills

The foundations for relationship skills are created from friendship experiences throughout childhood. The skills include trust, loyalty, compromise, and emotional support. Autistic women may have had fewer but more intense friendships than non-autistic women during childhood and adolescence (Sedgewick et al., 2019). A series of single best friends can become the sole focus of their friendship experiences, and the intensity and difficulty of understanding and managing conflict can result in friends disengaging. There can subsequently be a tendency for the autistic adolescent to self-blame and assume the friendship cannot be rescued.

A friendship characteristic of autistic girls is to have social anxiety before and during time with a friend; as in the following quotation, I get anxious because I have to behave neurotypically to do the right thing. Engaging with a friend can be mentally exhausting, even if the time together is mutually enjoyable (Crompton et al., 2020). Another friendship feature described in the same study is knowing what other people want in a friend, which is the basis of knowing what a partner seeks in a long-term relationship. Autistic adolescents may also have experienced relational bullying, such as gossip, being deliberately excluded, teasing, humiliation, and peer rejection which will affect the ability to trust a friend or potential partner.

During adolescence, there is often limited sexual knowledge from peers, but an autistic adolescent or young adult may perceive engagement in sexual behaviour as a means of facilitating relationships and attaining social approval from peers (Pecora et al., 2022).

They may seek a relationship but may not realise they are being taken advantage of and misinterpret the sexual intentions of others. Recent research suggests that many autistic women have been victims of sexual assault and rape, usually in early adulthood or at university. (Sedgewick et al., 2019). A recent study of several hundred autistic adults found that 46.5% of autistic women reported experiencing sexual violence.  Autistic women were also less likely than non-autistic women to have confided in anyone about such experiences. (Gibbs et al., 2021)

An abusive partner

The relationship naivety, vulnerability and gullibility of young autistic women increase the risk of being in an abusive relationship. The abusive partner is attracted to their childlike innocence, lack of assertiveness and limited friendship and relationship experience. She probably does not have a network of friends to tell her what to expect in a relationship and to advise her on her choice of partner.

Our clinical experience and research indicate that autistic women are likely to stay in abusive relationships for several reasons (Sedgewick et al., 2019). Low self-esteem contributes to not perceiving that they are worthy of a conventional relationship; as illustrated in the following quotation, I set my expectations very low and, as a result, gravitated towards abusive people. There is also the reason of not having the intuitive relationship ‘radar’ to identify someone with malevolent intentions. There can be a tendency to take someone ‘at face value’ and believe what someone says rather than perceiving their covert intentions and risky situations. Even with an effective radar, there can be a reluctance to judge their abusive partner, as in the following quotation: Sometimes, we have good radar but talk ourselves out of it. We think we have to give them a chance, not make rash judgements, and we don’t want to treat people badly. We give them the benefit of the doubt. A relationship partner may take advantage of an autistic woman’s benevolent attitude.

Some autistic women are likely to stay in an abusive relationship because it is easier than finding a new one (Sedgewick et al., 2019), and we would add they may not have the self-confidence to end the relationship. However, we have found that confirmation of a diagnosis of autism while in an abusive relationship can lead to greater assertiveness and determination to end the abuse.

Nonautistic partner

Another choice of partner is a nonautistic person who genuinely falls deeply in love with an autistic woman, seeks to make her happy and fulfilled and provides social, emotional, and practical support. This may be someone who is socially motivated, talented, and gregarious and can understand and accept autistic characteristics in their partner. They may provide guidance in social situations, help moderate emotional reactions and makes accommodations for aspects of autism such as sensory sensitivity. The autistic woman feels safe and supported.

We have considerable literature on relationship support when the male in the relationship is autistic, but only two books when the autistic partner is a woman. Rudy Simone has written 22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome wants her partner to know (Simone, 2012), and Alis Rowe, otherwise known as The Girl with the Curly Hair, has written Asperger’s Syndrome for the Neurotypical Partner: Helping Long-term relationships when the woman has ASD (Rowe, 2014).

Alice Rowe writes that an autistic woman may be loved because she is very honest and direct, has a strong sense of social justice, is creative and has a deep empathic connection with animals. She may love her non-autistic partner’s ability to guide and reassure her in social situations, explain her autistic features to herself and others, and moderate her intense emotions. Her partner can also help her cope with the unexpected and uncertainty, painful sensory experiences and the proximity of too many people. There can also be guidance when making small talk and on what to wear for a specific event.  A non-autistic partner may also tolerate and show compassion for her distress and agitation over what their partner perceives as a trivial event, such as a missing the apostrophe in a shop sign and the pharmacy opening at 9:04, not at 9:00. There is also the acceptance that she has limited social motivation and social energy, is reluctant to try new experiences, finds it hard to perceive her partner’s point of view and may tend to be critical and correcting (Rowe, 2014).

Our clinical experience and research on such a relationship indicate that both partners report low satisfaction with emotional communication, amount of leisure time together and intimacy (Ying Yew et al., 2021). The non-autistic partner will be confused when conventional emotional repair mechanisms they use are not effective and may be perceived by their autistic partner as aversive, as in the following thought dialogue from Alis Rowe when a non-autistic partner puts his arm around his sad autistic partner:

It makes me feel better hugging her when she is sad. I enjoy the physical closeness.

It’s too much. I feel overwhelmed being touched when I’m sad. I don’t want to be hugged right now.

What did I do wrong? She’s pushing me away.

His touch right now is unpleasant and physically painful.

I’m upset she doesn’t want me to hug her. It’s what couples do. I feel rejected.

Both partners may benefit from relationship counselling to explore each other’s perspectives, improve communication and enhance the relationship. There is a range of books on relationships where one partner is autistic published by www.jkp.com

An autistic partner

Another choice of partner is an autistic rather than a non-autistic partner. Research indicates that one in ten autistic men and one in three autistic women report having a partner who is also autistic (Dwinter et al., 2017). Adjusting and adapting to differences in autistic and nonautistic verbal and non-verbal communication styles requires considerable mental energy and can be the source of relationship conflict. When both partners are autistic, there is less need to mask or suppress autism, being the authentic self, with considerable mental health benefits (Crompton et al., 2020). When both partners are autistic, there can be mutual feelings of comfort and ease with similar communication styles and the ability to cope with social engagement.

There will be similar abilities, past experiences, and shared interests, such as animal welfare, opera, art or a career such as entomology or medicine. Both need and enjoy periods of solitude and can collude together in avoiding social commitments. Autistic individuals whose partners are also autistic report greater relationship satisfaction than those whose partner is not autistic (Ying Yew et al., 2021).

References

Crompton et al. (2020) Autism 24

Dwinter et al. (2017) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 57

Gibbs et al. (2021) Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders 89

Pecora et al. (2022) Autism 26

Rowe A. (2014). Asperger’s Syndrome for the Neurotypical Partner: Helping long-term relationships when the woman has ASD Lonely Mind Books, London

Sedgewick et al. (2019). Autism in Adulthood 1

Simone R. (2012) 22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome wants her partner to know Jessica Kingsley Publishers, London.

Ying Yew et al. (2021). Personal Relationships

Autism and bullying: new developments in research and support

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Autism and bullying: new developments in research and support

Why are autistic students so frequently the victims of bullying? From our extensive clinical experience, the answer is that they are perceived as easy victims due to often being alone and not having a group of friends for protection, having the posture and body language of someone insecure and vulnerable, and having low self-esteem and social status, as well as being perceived as a relatively ‘soft target’, i.e., someone unlikely to be assertive or able to retaliate in a way that could cause discomfort to the ‘predator’.

Due to difficulties with social reasoning and Theory of Mind abilities, they may also lack the ability to determine if an action or suggestion was deliberate or accidental, whether teasing is friendly or malicious and the difference between humour and insult. Bullying can occur for autistic students of all ability levels, including children attending a special school (van Roekel, Scholte and Didden 2010). The study found that autistic adolescents who were frequently bullied sometimes misinterpreted non-bullying situations as bullying. They had become over-sensitised and quick to react without analysing intentions.

They may also lack conflict-resolution skills and be a source of entertainment when distressed. Recent research has added two more reasons: not being optimally tuned to social situations and resisting change (Forrest, Kroeger and Stroope (2020). The resistance to change means that the autistic student’s reaction and response are predictable, with difficulty acquiring more effective responses. Their intense emotional reaction also encourages the child who engages in bullying (Cappadocia et al, 2012).

The prevalence of being bullied

A study of over 1200 parents of autistic children explored the prevalence of their child being bullied over a one-month period. 38% of the children were bullied occasionally, with a further 28% being bullied frequently. Thus, most autistic children experienced some form of bullying over the month (Zablotsky et al., 2013). A study by Schroeder et al. (2014) confirmed high rates of bullying for autistic students, with 40% of their autistic research participants experiencing daily victimisation and a further 33% experiencing victimisation two to three times a week. A study by Fisher and Taylor (2016) of autistic adolescents found a prevalence of peer victimisation of 73%, with a prevalence of only 10% in non-autistic adolescents.

The signs of being bullied

The signs of being bullied can be very subtle, such as peer rejection, fewer birthday party invitations, or being picked last for team sports (Kloosterman et al., 2013; Schroeder et al., 2014) Other subtle expression of bullying are poking and having shoe laces tied together (Fisher & Taylor, 2016).

There may be physical evidence, such as lost or damaged possessions, or torn clothing, and medical evidence, such as bruising, injuries, stomachache, headaches and difficulty getting to sleep. Psychological evidence includes increased anxiety, especially before school, depression, school refusal and responding violently to bullying leading to suspension. There can also be signs of a lack of trust in peers, even paranoia, and a change in the special interest to a fascination with weapons and violent films with drawings of retribution and retaliation.

When parents ask about experiences of bullying at school, there may be a reluctance to disclose those experiences as disclosure means re-experiencing the emotions. There may also be aspects of alexithymia such that the autistic child or adolescent has considerable difficulty describing their thoughts and feelings about being bullied using conversational speech.

Assessment of being bullied

A new bullying experiences assessment instrument has been designed for autistic children and adolescents (Morton et al., 2022). The 22-item Assessment of Bullying Experiences (ABE) assesses verbal, physical, relational, and cyber victimisation using examples of bullying experiences that include:

  • Name-calling
  • Taunting
  • Teasing
  • Mocking or mimicking
  • Direct: hit, push, shove
  • Indirect: hit, push, shove
  • Damage possessions
  • Group exclusion
  • Ignored
  • Exclusion from an online group
  • Online impersonation
  • Social media insults
  • Spreading rumours
  • Held down or restraint
  • Physically take an object
  • Knock food/item from hands
  • Teased for joining a group
  • Provoked to have an outburst
  • Hurtful digital messages
  • Hurtful post online
  • Embarrassing photo/video

The assessment includes direct interpersonal bullying experiences at school and on social media. Home may not be a sanctuary from bullying in terms of cyberbullying and bullying from siblings.

We now have a new web-based touchscreen app to assess self-reported trauma exposure and symptoms in autistic children aged 8-14 (Hoover & Romero, 2019). The app has eight trauma exposure items, including bullying and teasing.

Disclosure of being bullied and support

A range of potential responses to bullying includes seeking help from teachers, friends, classmates, and parents and coping alone (Humphrey & Symes, 2010). When telling a teacher, the question can arise of which teacher or teacher assistant to tell and whether the teacher can or wants to rectify the situation. We have found that there can also be the issue of peer disapproval for disclosing bullying to teachers. Class peers may consider ‘dobbing’ a fellow student as a greater social ‘crime’ than reporting the bullying. Autistic students are more likely to confide in a friend if the friend is perceived as being able to do something about the situation or has some social influence over the bully.

Parents are often the last resort in terms of support, sometimes due to feeling uncomfortable having their parents involved in their school life and parents being perceived as unable to provide support during and immediately after being bullied. Research suggests that parenting stress also affects the likelihood of disclosing bullying to parents (Weis et al, 2015). When parents had low levels of stress, and there was open communication on problems at school, bullying could more easily be disclosed. In families that experienced high levels of stress, disclosure is less likely.

Coping alone often occurs with responses varying from ignoring the bullying and just walking away to acts of violence being seen as the only course of action to stop the bullying. Intervention strategies must include exploring and using a more comprehensive range of responses when violence has proved effective.

The effects of being bullied

As clinicians, we know the psychological effects of bullying are devastating, contributing to a range of mental health problems. It is a major cause of school refusal and suspension, often because the victim has become angry and reluctantly retaliated (Bitsika, Heyne and Sharpley 2021). It can contribute to developing an anxiety disorder due to constant fear of a bullying ‘attack’ or ambush each day and knowing there is no way to prevent such painful emotional experiences. The derogatory and provocative comments and actions may be internalised and believed by the victim, contributing to low self-esteem and clinical depression (Kim & Lecavalier, 2021; Ung et al., 2016) and suicidality (Halloran, Coey and Wilson, 2022). As so many interactions with peers are associated with being bullied, and so few positive social interactions are experienced, a sense of paranoia can develop based on the reality of their interactions with peers at school.

We increasingly recognise that one of the reasons for camouflaging or masking autism is to avoid being bullied (Cage & Troxell-Williams, 2019; Chapman et al., 2022). We also recognise a link between bullying and the development of Anorexia Nervosa (Brede et al., 2020) and gender dysphoria (Chang et al., 2021).

By being so sensitive to frequent bullying and having difficulty reading the intentions of others, an autistic child or adolescent may not be able to differentiate between friendly and unfriendly teasing, which can inhibit the development of a true friendship. Also, others may create a distance between themselves and the autistic student to avoid becoming targets themselves. This adds to a sense of loneliness and rejection. The autistic student may have few friends to provide protection and safety in numbers and have friends to calm the anguish and dissolve the despair, with no words or actions of support and compassion to create greater self-esteem and put the event in perspective. Thus, the effects of bullying go deeper and last longer for autistic students than non-autistic students.

Strategies to reduce experiences of being bullied

Research has confirmed our clinical experience that if peers intervene, over 50% of bullying episodes will stop (Cappadocia et al., 2012). Peers need to be educated about the effects of bullying on autistic students and actively encouraged to intervene. There will also be benefits in extending an autistic student’s social network to be less isolated and a more identifiable target and being able to call on the support of their friends (Hebron & Humphrey, 2014).

A study by Etherington (2007) evaluated the creation of a team of peer supporters for an autistic year eight student. The school chose six students, including two boys who were notorious for bullying the autistic student and two girls who had previously been socially supportive. A six-session training programme in support techniques and mentoring was held on a weekly basis during lesson time. A plan was agreed upon to provide support during break times. The team members recognised that sometimes the autistic student wanted to be alone during the breaks, and he could opt into or decline companionship. The peer supporters set up a rota to take turns to be ‘on call’ at each break. There was a significant reduction in the number of reported incidents with the following comments from the autistic student:

“Now I’ve got my peer supporters, I don’t feel alone anymore. I don’t keep thinking I’m going to get into trouble or do the wrong thing. I’m not frightened or anxious about coming to school anymore.

My peer supporters have really helped me. I can talk to them, and they will help me to know if what I am doing is appropriate. Sometimes I don’t know if people are trying to be unkind to me but I can ask one of my support group and they can tell me.

Once, this girl asked me to stand on a bench and sing a song. I did it, but I think she wanted to humiliate me. I asked one of my supporters. He said I shouldn’t do what people tell me to do if it makes me feel bad inside. I should just say no and walk away. I think he is right. I think I can trust him.”

Carol Gray (2010) has explored bullying using Social Stories on themes such as:

What is bullying?

Bullying: What to think, say and do

My team

Learning to respond to bullying

We have also found that her strategy of Comic Strip Conversations can help teachers and parents explore the autistic child’s perspective of events and explain the thoughts and motivations of those who engage in bullying. Parents and teachers can access literature and resources on bullying and autism, such as No Fishing Allowed: Reel in Bullying (Gray & Williams, 2006) and the books on bullying published by Jessica Kingsley publishers www.jkp.com

We now have social skills video games such as the Secret Agent Society specifically designed for autistic students, which includes components on managing bullying (Beaumont et al, 2021). We also have resources to improve online safety for autistic children and teenagers (Lonie, 2015).

Bullying can result in signs of trauma, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) has been confirmed as an effective treatment for trauma in autistic adults (Lobregt-van Burren et al 2019).  The study found that 50% of participants had flashbacks of school bullying. EMDR could be considered for an autistic child or adolescent who has been traumatised by bullying.  

 

References

Beaumont et al. (2021). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 51, 3637–3650.

Bitsika, H. & Sharpley (2021). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 51, 1081–1092.

Brede et al. (2020). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 50, 4280-4296

Cage & Troxell-Williams (2019). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 49, 1899-1911

Cappadocia et al. (2012). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 42.

Chang et al (2021) Autism 26 1-14.

Chapman et al (2022) Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders 99 102069

Etherington (2007) Good Autism Practice 8, 37-44.

Fisher and Taylor (2016) Autism 20, 402–411.

Forrest, Kroeger and Stroope (2020). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 50, 560-571

Halloran, Coey and Wilson (2022) Clinical Psychology Review 93.

Hebron & Humphrey (2014). Autism 18.

Hoover & Romero (2019). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 49, 1686-1692

Humphrey & Symes (2010). Journal of Research in Special Educational Needs 10, 82–90.

Kim and Lecavalier, (2021) Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders 88

Kloosterman et al (2013) Research in Autism Spectrum Disorder 7, 824-832

Lobregt-van Burren et al (2019). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 49, 151–164.

Schroeder et al (2014) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 44

Ung et al (2016) Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders 32, 70-79

van Roekel, Scholte and Didden (2010) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 40, 63-73

Weis et al (2015) Autism Research 8, 727-737.

Zablotsky et al (2013). Journal of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics 34, 1-8

 

Resources

Gray C. and Williams (2006) No Fishing Allowed: Reel in Bullying Student workbook and teacher manual. Arlington, Future Horizons

Gray C. (2010) The New Social Story Book Arlington, Future Horizons

Lonie, N. (2015) Online Safety for Children and Teens on the Autism Spectrum: A Parent’s and Carer’s Guide London Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Secret Agent Society www.sst-institute.net

The dating game and Autistic adolescents

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The Dating Game and Autistic Adolescents

Typical teenagers are usually enthusiastic about going beyond friendship and experiencing the dating game. They are exploring their new sexual awareness, who they find attractive, and who is attracted to them. Their romantic and sensual experiences become a major topic of conversation with peer advice on the ‘rules’ of the dating game. Our clinical experience suggests this may not be the case for autistic teenagers. They may be delayed by several years in being interested in a romantic relationship and have difficulty resonating with their peers’ interest in dating. They are also often socially isolated and may not have a circle of friends who discuss and disclose information on dating and sexuality.

In order to participate in the dating game, it is important to read subtle non-verbal communication that indicates mutual attraction and explore one another’s expectations in a romantic relationship. Typical teenagers understand dating conventions from intuition, observation and discussion with their peers. When dating, both partners progress along the relationship continuum at a reciprocally agreed and mutually enjoyed pace. Typical adolescents have considerable experience with many friendships, developing conflict management strategies and the art of compromise. They also know how much time to spend together and communicate through social media.

Autistic adolescents often need guidance and support in each of these dimensions.

Reading body language

There are many subtle ways that body language can indicate an interest in someone, such as the head tilted to one side, which means I am listening, nodding to indicate agreement or approval, smiling to indicate feeling happy with the conversation and looking at the other person’s face, especially the eyes to read the person’s feelings. There are other ways to tell that someone is interested in or likes someone, such as going out of their way to engage in a conversation, wanting to sit together and often giving compliments to the person they like. It is also important to know when body language expresses not interested such as frequently looking away, avoiding eye contact and a ‘closed’ body posture and flat facial expression.

A characteristic of autistic adolescents is difficulty accurately reading the intentions and personalities of their peers. Someone’s act of kindness may be interpreted as meaning more than was intended. Some personalities frequently engage in touch during a conversation due to their culture which may not be a sign of seeking a romantic attachment. Typical teenagers often have friends they can consult regarding the intentions of a potential dating partner.

Attraction

It is important to explore what aspects of personality, abilities, and appearance are attractive when seeking someone to date. There are differences in what adolescent girls and boys may seek. There is a general convention that girls may have a greater emphasis on personality and ability attributes and boys on physical attributes. When we have discussed attraction with autistic teenagers this convention can be maintained, but we have found that attributes such as intellect, being accepted and understood, sense of humour, and similar interests have been rated as more important for autistic than typical adolescents.

Asking someone for a date

An autistic adolescent may rehearse and need guidance on asking someone on a date or responding to an invitation for a date. They need to consider where the date will be and who may also be there. Autistic adolescents may be naïve, trusting, and unaware of being in a potentially risky situation.

There are also aspects of what to wear on a date, topics of conversation and knowing if the date is mutually enjoyable.

The development of a romantic relationship

A romantic relationship may evolve into disclosing deeper and more personal inner thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Some autistic adolescents may have alexithymia which is difficulty disclosing and explaining inner thoughts and emotions through speech. Their romantic partner may be concerned that self-disclosure may not have the same degree of depth and reciprocity.

The agreed ‘balance’ of touch, affection, and sensual experiences can be an issue. An autistic adolescent may need guidance on these aspects of a romantic relationship as a characteristic of autism can be a sensitivity to tactile experiences, especially those that may occur with gestures of affection and may extend to sensual and sexual experiences (Gray, Kirby and Holmes 2021) There is also the potential issue of reading the signals and context when the typical partner anticipates gestures and words of affection and compassion. There will need to be open communication and mutual understanding.

There may also be an issue of recognising the human sexual response for both partners and education with regard to sexuality (Attwood, 2008; Dekker et al 2017; Hartman 2014; Henault 2006 Visser 2017)

As the relationship progresses there could be concerns with regard to the amount of time spent together and communication on social media. There is potential for the enthusiasm of one partner to be perceived as too intrusive and intense, with a risk of them ‘wearing out their welcome’. Guidance from peers and parents can be very helpful.

The experience of love

A characteristic of autism is having difficulty perceiving and regulating emotions. Clinically we tend to focus on feelings of anxiety, sadness and anger, but love is a feeling. We have developed a programme From Like to Love to help young autistic children understand, express and enjoy love and affection with family and friends (Attwood and Garnett 2013). Many strategies apply to autistic adolescents embarking on the dating game, with age-appropriate adaptation, which includes expressions of love that are perceived as inappropriate or too intense, such as accusations of stalking (Post et al 2017)

An autistic teenager may also experience high levels of anxiety when meeting and being with a person towards whom they have strong feelings of affection and ruminate on their social/romantic performance. They may need guidance in coping with the emotion of love and anxiety.

Knowing the relationship is going well or not well

There are signs that the relationship is going well, such as both partners being happy to see each other, having a genuine interest in each other’s experiences, thoughts and feelings, smiling, laughing and having fun together with each feeling free to be their natural self and feeling safe and relaxed.

There is also the question of knowing the signs that the relationship is not going well. These negative signs may be the opposite of the positive signs described above, such as being critical and finding fault. We have found that another sign is one of the partners being possessive or controlling.

Adolescent romantic relationships often have a ‘use by date’ and may last from days to months and occasionally years. Adolescents may experience the ending of a relationship several times; sometimes, it is their choice, and sometimes not. There are many ways of ending a relationship; if an autistic person makes that decision, they will need guidance on how to do that appropriately. If the decision is from their romantic partner, they will experience rejection which may be reminiscent of rejection from previous friendships or romantic relationships. There will need to be time and support for recovery, to move on and not ruminate on the relationship, and to acknowledge what has been learned about the dating game from the relationship.

Long-term relationships

The focus has been on the dating game in adolescence, when romantic relationships may have a limited duration. However, many characteristics of autism contribute to a successful long-term relationship. These include kindness and a sense of social justice, loyalty and integrity, ability in a chosen career in science, technology, the arts and caring professions, passion for knowledge, and maternal and paternal abilities.

References and resources

Attwood S. (2008) Making Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People with Asperger’s Syndrome. Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Attwood and Garnett (2013) From Like to Love Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Dekker et al (2015) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 45 (6)

Gray, Kirby and Holmes (2021) Autism in Adulthood

Hartman D. (2014) Sexuality and Relationship Education for Children and Adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorders Jessica Kingsley Publishers

Henault I. (2006) Asperger’s Syndrome and Sexuality. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Post et al (2014) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 44:11

Uhlenkamp (2009) The Guide to Dating for Teenagers with Asperger Syndrome Autism Asperger Publishing Company

Visser, K et al., (2017) A randomized controlled trial to examine the effects of the Tackling Teenage psychosexual training program for adolescents with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 58:7, (2017) pp 840-850

Autism in couples

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Autism in couples

There are many qualities associated with autism that are appealing to a prospective partner. The person can be attentive, knowledgeable, creative, kind, endearingly immature, physically attractive, quiet, and inexperienced in romantic relationships. There can be compassion for their naive social abilities and having been teased and bullied at school. The prospective autistic partner is often appreciated for being predictable, honest, and confident in their opinions, perhaps with shared interests and an admired career. They may have similar characteristics to one of the parents of the neurotypical partner, such that they are easily fluent in the language and culture of autism. In the early stages of the relationship, the characteristics of autism may be suppressed such that the neurotypical partner is not be aware of their partner’s autism, anticipating a conventional and fulfilling relationship. If autism is recognised or disclosed, there may be the assumption that love will provide the mutual understanding and accommodations within the relationship.

Clinical experience and research have identified that both autistic males and females may develop a compensatory mechanism of camouflaging social and interpersonal difficulties in the early, romantic stage of the relationship.  They may have acquired what appears to be expertise in being an ideal partner from watching romantic films which have provided a script and a role that can be acted, and successful in captivating their partner. This ability to act neurotypical, to camouflage autism and use a variety of scripts and roles can also be used successfully at work and social settings with friends, becoming a ‘chameleon’, but in the privacy of home, their partner gradually experiences living with the real person behind the mask.

The autistic person may be attracted to someone who has exceptional social expertise and empathy for their social difficulties, understanding their confusion and sometimes being overwhelmed in social situations and the subsequent exhaustion and need for solitude.  The autistic partner may recognise that they need and actively seek a relationship partner who can be a social mentor and ‘translator’ of the autistic perspective to friends and family and does not criticise their partner for being social naïve or ‘clumsy’. They continue many of the social and emotional support functions previously provided by a parent.

After several years of living together, the couple may find that the relationship may not be developing as they originally expected. There may be a sense of grieving for the elusive conventional reciprocal relationship they once hoped for. For the neurotypical partner, autistic characteristics that were endearing at the start of the relationship, such as an being an avid collector of model trains, subsequently becomes a source of conflict regarding the amount of time and money devoted to the interest. The initial optimism that their partner will gradually change and become more emotionally supportive and socially skilled can dissolve into despair; social skills appear to be static due to limited motivation to be more sociable, or require constant prompting from their partner.

The autistic partner needs periods of social isolation at home to recover from the social aspects of work, and joint social contact with friends and family can slowly diminish. Gradually, the neurotypical partner reluctantly agrees to reduce the frequency and duration of social contact for the sake of their partner, and slowly absorbs the characteristics of autism into their own personality and lifestyle.

A significant problem for the neurotypical partner is a sense of loneliness within the relationship. In contrast, the autistic partner can be content with their own company for long periods of time – alone, but not lonely. Conversations from the perspective of the neurotypical partner can be infrequent and superficial, but from the perspective of the autistic partner, are satisfying, and primarily an exchange of information, rather than an enjoyment of each other’s company and sharing experiences.

There is an expectation in a relationship of regular expressions of love, affection, and emotional support. What may be missing in the autistic/neurotypical relationship are those daily words and gestures of affection and compassion and emotional support and compliments. The absence of these aspects of a relationship can be a contributory factor to low self-esteem and clinical depression for the neurotypical partner who feels caged within the relationship. Due to having autism, the autistic partner may not be able to recognise and know intuitively how to respond to the subtle non-verbal communication of emotional and practical needs, and can feel that whatever they say or do is never enough to make their partner feel happy. They unintentionally keep getting it wrong and feel excessively and unjustifiably criticized and rejected.

The ability to read subtle, non-verbal communication and contextual cues to determine what someone is thinking and feeling, Theory of Mind, is impaired for autistic children and adults. However, the neurotypical partner can have an impaired Theory of an Autistic Mind. That is,  they have difficulty perceiving or determining what the autistic person is thinking and feeling by reading their facial expression and body language; this is because autistic adults often have a limited ‘vocabulary’ of facial expressions, gestures, and prosody. Another characteristic of autism is alexithymia, that is, having considerable difficulty converting thoughts and emotions into conversational speech, which inhibits the disclosure of thoughts and feelings in a conversation. Thus, there is a breakdown in communicating and understanding each other’s thoughts and feelings for both partners.

The dynamics and stress within the relationship will inevitably change with the arrival of children, presenting new responsibilities and sources of conflict, such as different parenting styles. The relationship may reach breaking point. The autistic partner will have less access to their stress management strategies, such as solitude or their special interest, which is a source of pleasure, relaxation, and an effective thought blocker.  The relationship could be deteriorating, with expressions of despair and anger for both partners who are unaware of what to do to support and repair the relationship.

Over several decades Michelle Garnett and Tony Attwood have provided therapy for couples where one or both partners have the characteristics of autism. On the 20th of February 2021 we presented a whole day web cast on strategies to strengthen the relationship with modules on the:

Qualities of the relationship in the early stages

Signs that the relationship is not as anticipated for both partners

Expressions of love within the relationship

The communication of thoughts and emotions

Managing stress, anxiety, and anger

Verbal, emotional, and physical intimacy

Working as a team and family responsibilities

The future together

The webcast will also include a description of ‘The Relationship Minefield’ programme designed and used by Michelle, Tony and colleagues. For further information to download the web cast, please go to www.attwoodandgarnettevents.com