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Relationships for Autistic Women

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Relationships for Autistic women

Foundations for relationship skills

The foundations for relationship skills are created from friendship experiences throughout childhood. The skills include trust, loyalty, compromise, and emotional support. Autistic women may have had fewer but more intense friendships than non-autistic women during childhood and adolescence (Sedgewick et al., 2019). A series of single best friends can become the sole focus of their friendship experiences, and the intensity and difficulty of understanding and managing conflict can result in friends disengaging. There can subsequently be a tendency for the autistic adolescent to self-blame and assume the friendship cannot be rescued.

A friendship characteristic of autistic girls is to have social anxiety before and during time with a friend; as in the following quotation, I get anxious because I have to behave neurotypically to do the right thing. Engaging with a friend can be mentally exhausting, even if the time together is mutually enjoyable (Crompton et al., 2020). Another friendship feature described in the same study is knowing what other people want in a friend, which is the basis of knowing what a partner seeks in a long-term relationship. Autistic adolescents may also have experienced relational bullying, such as gossip, being deliberately excluded, teasing, humiliation, and peer rejection which will affect the ability to trust a friend or potential partner.

During adolescence, there is often limited sexual knowledge from peers, but an autistic adolescent or young adult may perceive engagement in sexual behaviour as a means of facilitating relationships and attaining social approval from peers (Pecora et al., 2022).

They may seek a relationship but may not realise they are being taken advantage of and misinterpret the sexual intentions of others. Recent research suggests that many autistic women have been victims of sexual assault and rape, usually in early adulthood or at university. (Sedgewick et al., 2019). A recent study of several hundred autistic adults found that 46.5% of autistic women reported experiencing sexual violence.  Autistic women were also less likely than non-autistic women to have confided in anyone about such experiences. (Gibbs et al., 2021)

An abusive partner

The relationship naivety, vulnerability and gullibility of young autistic women increase the risk of being in an abusive relationship. The abusive partner is attracted to their childlike innocence, lack of assertiveness and limited friendship and relationship experience. She probably does not have a network of friends to tell her what to expect in a relationship and to advise her on her choice of partner.

Our clinical experience and research indicate that autistic women are likely to stay in abusive relationships for several reasons (Sedgewick et al., 2019). Low self-esteem contributes to not perceiving that they are worthy of a conventional relationship; as illustrated in the following quotation, I set my expectations very low and, as a result, gravitated towards abusive people. There is also the reason of not having the intuitive relationship ‘radar’ to identify someone with malevolent intentions. There can be a tendency to take someone ‘at face value’ and believe what someone says rather than perceiving their covert intentions and risky situations. Even with an effective radar, there can be a reluctance to judge their abusive partner, as in the following quotation: Sometimes, we have good radar but talk ourselves out of it. We think we have to give them a chance, not make rash judgements, and we don’t want to treat people badly. We give them the benefit of the doubt. A relationship partner may take advantage of an autistic woman’s benevolent attitude.

Some autistic women are likely to stay in an abusive relationship because it is easier than finding a new one (Sedgewick et al., 2019), and we would add they may not have the self-confidence to end the relationship. However, we have found that confirmation of a diagnosis of autism while in an abusive relationship can lead to greater assertiveness and determination to end the abuse.

Nonautistic partner

Another choice of partner is a nonautistic person who genuinely falls deeply in love with an autistic woman, seeks to make her happy and fulfilled and provides social, emotional, and practical support. This may be someone who is socially motivated, talented, and gregarious and can understand and accept autistic characteristics in their partner. They may provide guidance in social situations, help moderate emotional reactions and makes accommodations for aspects of autism such as sensory sensitivity. The autistic woman feels safe and supported.

We have considerable literature on relationship support when the male in the relationship is autistic, but only two books when the autistic partner is a woman. Rudy Simone has written 22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome wants her partner to know (Simone, 2012), and Alis Rowe, otherwise known as The Girl with the Curly Hair, has written Asperger’s Syndrome for the Neurotypical Partner: Helping Long-term relationships when the woman has ASD (Rowe, 2014).

Alice Rowe writes that an autistic woman may be loved because she is very honest and direct, has a strong sense of social justice, is creative and has a deep empathic connection with animals. She may love her non-autistic partner’s ability to guide and reassure her in social situations, explain her autistic features to herself and others, and moderate her intense emotions. Her partner can also help her cope with the unexpected and uncertainty, painful sensory experiences and the proximity of too many people. There can also be guidance when making small talk and on what to wear for a specific event.  A non-autistic partner may also tolerate and show compassion for her distress and agitation over what their partner perceives as a trivial event, such as a missing the apostrophe in a shop sign and the pharmacy opening at 9:04, not at 9:00. There is also the acceptance that she has limited social motivation and social energy, is reluctant to try new experiences, finds it hard to perceive her partner’s point of view and may tend to be critical and correcting (Rowe, 2014).

Our clinical experience and research on such a relationship indicate that both partners report low satisfaction with emotional communication, amount of leisure time together and intimacy (Ying Yew et al., 2021). The non-autistic partner will be confused when conventional emotional repair mechanisms they use are not effective and may be perceived by their autistic partner as aversive, as in the following thought dialogue from Alis Rowe when a non-autistic partner puts his arm around his sad autistic partner:

It makes me feel better hugging her when she is sad. I enjoy the physical closeness.

It’s too much. I feel overwhelmed being touched when I’m sad. I don’t want to be hugged right now.

What did I do wrong? She’s pushing me away.

His touch right now is unpleasant and physically painful.

I’m upset she doesn’t want me to hug her. It’s what couples do. I feel rejected.

Both partners may benefit from relationship counselling to explore each other’s perspectives, improve communication and enhance the relationship. There is a range of books on relationships where one partner is autistic published by www.jkp.com

An autistic partner

Another choice of partner is an autistic rather than a non-autistic partner. Research indicates that one in ten autistic men and one in three autistic women report having a partner who is also autistic (Dwinter et al., 2017). Adjusting and adapting to differences in autistic and nonautistic verbal and non-verbal communication styles requires considerable mental energy and can be the source of relationship conflict. When both partners are autistic, there is less need to mask or suppress autism, being the authentic self, with considerable mental health benefits (Crompton et al., 2020). When both partners are autistic, there can be mutual feelings of comfort and ease with similar communication styles and the ability to cope with social engagement.

There will be similar abilities, past experiences, and shared interests, such as animal welfare, opera, art or a career such as entomology or medicine. Both need and enjoy periods of solitude and can collude together in avoiding social commitments. Autistic individuals whose partners are also autistic report greater relationship satisfaction than those whose partner is not autistic (Ying Yew et al., 2021).

References

Crompton et al. (2020) Autism 24

Dwinter et al. (2017) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 57

Gibbs et al. (2021) Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders 89

Pecora et al. (2022) Autism 26

Rowe A. (2014). Asperger’s Syndrome for the Neurotypical Partner: Helping long-term relationships when the woman has ASD Lonely Mind Books, London

Sedgewick et al. (2019). Autism in Adulthood 1

Simone R. (2012) 22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s Syndrome wants her partner to know Jessica Kingsley Publishers, London.

Ying Yew et al. (2021). Personal Relationships

Autism in Couple Relationships

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Autism in Couple Relationships

Part of the early appeal of dating an autistic person for a person who is not autistic can be a sense that they are different that they have a mind that can grasp astonishing complexity, they are wonderfully attentive, have deep compassion, are fair-minded, are very talented in their field, extremely loyal or different in ways that are intriguing but not yet fully apparent. Indeed the early stages of dating may not indicate the long-term relationship issues that can occur. On both sides, there can be expectations of how a long-term relationship “should” be, each informed by their own culture or way of thinking. We have learned through our vast clinical experience that approaching relationships between autistic and non-autistic individuals can be likened to a cultural exchange programme, where there needs to be understanding and acceptance of each person’s culture for the relationship to succeed. Certainly, this is true in all relationships but it plays out more significantly when one partner in the relationship is autistic.

The early stages of dating may not indicate the long-term relationship issues associated with autism. The autistic partner may have initially camouflaged and suppressed their autistic characteristics to be more attractive to a non-autistic partner. They may have acquired a dating ‘script’ from watching romantic movies and created a ‘mask’ or artificial persona. However, gradually the mask is removed, and it becomes apparent that the autistic partner does not intuitively know long-term relationship skills.

Theory of Mind

Some of the issues in the relationship can be due to aspects of ‘Theory of Mind’, a psychological term that describes the ability to read facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and social context to determine what someone is thinking or feeling. Both partners experience this. We have known for some decades that autism is associated with Theory of Mind difficulties, and these are part of the diagnostic criteria. However, the non-autistic partner can also have difficulty ‘reading’ the inner thoughts and feelings of their autistic partner. This is described as the Double Empathy issue (Milton, 2012). The autistic partner may not express subtle emotions in facial expressions, tone of voice and body language.

In a conversation, the autistic partner can struggle to find the words to express thoughts and feelings due to aspects of interoception and alexithymia. That is the sensory perception of the body signals that indicate emotional states such as heart rate and breathing (interoception) and being able to translate the emotions that you feel or remember into speech (alexithymia). This will affect the ability of the autistic person to disclose their inner world and communicate their feelings. As the relationship progresses, the non-autistic partner will anticipate increasing self-disclosure as a sign of the depth of the relationship and trust. The non-autistic partner must recognise that their autistic partner has genuine difficulty perceiving and communicating their inner world.

Social engagement

Autistic adults can achieve successful social engagement, but this may be by intellect rather than intuition and often with social guidance from the non-autistic partner. Social occasions are mentally exhausting and energy-draining. In contrast, the non-autistic partner may find that social experiences require little mental energy and may create energy. The non-autistic partner may reluctantly agree to reduce the frequency and duration of social contact with family, friends, and colleagues for the sake of the relationship but feel deprived of experiences they enjoy.

The non-autistic partner may also recognise that their autistic partner can engage socially at work but, on returning home, is exhausted and actively seeks solitude or engagement in a hobby or interest as a means of energy recovery. Although the couple lives together, the autistic partner has a diminishing need for social, conversational and leisure time together. An issue for the non-autistic partner is feeling lonely within the relationship.

Communication

One of the consequences of difficulties with Theory of Mind abilities is misinterpreting intentions, such as determining whether a comment or action was deliberately malicious, humorous or benign. This can lead to conflict within the relationship, with either partner being quick to take offence.

Another communication issue is a tendency for the autistic partner to be perceived as overly critical and correcting and rarely providing compliments. They intend to improve their partner’s proficiency and anticipate gratitude for their advice, being unaware of the effect on their partner’s self-esteem. There may also be a reluctance to provide compliments due to not intuitively knowing that in a relationship, the non-autistic partner need for regular approval and admiration and reluctance to give a compliment when their partner is already aware of their achievement.

As the non-autistic partner describes their daily experiences, their autistic partner may not engage in the anticipated degree of eye contact and words, sounds, and gestures of compassion and interest. The autistic partner absorbs the story but does not appear attentive and is eager to provide practical advice rather than non-judgemental listening and empathy. The non-autistic partner can feel they lack emotional support but experience considerable practical advice.

Expressions of love and affection

In a conventional relationship, regular expressions of love and affection are expected. A metaphor for the need and capacity for expressions of love and affection can be that a non-autistic partner has a ‘bucket’ capacity for love and affection that needs to be regularly filled and replenished. In contrast, an autistic partner has an affection ‘cup’ capacity that is quickly filled. The autistic partner may be perceived as not expressing sufficient affection to meet the needs of his or her partner, who feels affection deprived and unloved, which can contribute to low self-esteem and depression.

When the autistic partner recognises the value of expressions of love and affection in the relationship, there can be the issue of the frequency, type, intensity and duration of expressions of love and affection. As an autistic partner said: ‘We feel and show affection but not enough and at the wrong intensity’ and “I know I am not meeting her needs, but I don’t see them, will I ever be able to make my partner happy”. A non-autistic partner gradually realised that “…he can’t give me my needs because he doesn’t see them, he doesn’t perceive them and doesn’t ask about them… I often feel alone in our relationship because he’s not quite with me” (Smith et al., 2021)

Emotion repair

During personal distress, when expressions of empathy and words and gestures of affection would be expected as an emotional restorative, the autistic partner may not read the signals to elicit emotion repair (Theory of Mind) or know and have confidence in what to do. Their emotional repair mechanisms may be solitude and engaging in their interests and hobbies as a thought blocker. Affection may not be perceived as an emotion repair mechanism, with a hug perceived as an uncomfortable squeeze which does not automatically make them feel better. A typical comment of the non-autistic partner is that hugging their autistic partner is like ‘hugging a piece of wood’. The person does not relax and enjoy such close physical proximity and touch.

Being alone is often the primary emotional repair mechanism for an autistic partner, and they may assume that is also the case for their non-autistic partner, with the thought that if I leave her alone, she will get over it quicker. They may also not know how to respond or fear making the situation worse, as in the relationship counselling session where an autistic partner sat next to his wife, who was in tears. He remained still and offered no words or gestures of affection for emotional repair. When asked if he knew his wife was crying, he replied, “Yes, but I didn’t want to do the wrong thing.”

The autistic partner can be accused of being callous, emotionally cold and lacking empathy due to a genuine difficulty reading interpersonal signals and knowing how to respond. The non-autistic partner gradually realises that they need to be very clear and direct in expressing their feelings and suggesting to their partner what they need to do for emotion repair.

Intimacy

There may be issues associated with verbal, emotional and physical intimacy. The effects of alexithymia will inhibit verbal and emotional intimacy, that is, converting thoughts and feelings into speech. However, an autistic partner may be able to express their thoughts and feelings indirectly using music, poetry, a scene from a movie, a passage in a book or typing rather than speaking their thoughts and feelings.

Sensory sensitivity may affect physical intimacy, leading to confusion, distress, and frustration with sexual experiences for an autistic partner (Gray et al., 2021). Autism is associated with a low or high threshold for sensory experiences, especially tactile experiences. A low threshold can lead to experiencing discomfort or pain when lightly touched during moments of intimacy. A high threshold can lead to requiring greater physical stimulation, as in the comment from the Gray et al. research paper, “I am not particularly sensitive, so I need more friction to achieve orgasm”. There may also be the issue of the use of drugs and alcohol, as in another comment from the same research study. Only when I am drunk do I feel comfortable being touched or touching others.

There can be issues with the frequency and quality of physical intimacy, which influences sexual satisfaction (Boling, 2016). Sex can become an intellectual interest for an autistic partner in acquiring information on sexual diversity and activities, often from pornography, and sex may function as a means of self-calming and emotion regulation. This was described by one of the participants in the Gray et al. (2021) study “I went through this highly sexualised phase because I just loved the way orgasms made me feel and connected me to myself and centred me. It was like the best self-regulation strategy I had found” The desire for and frequency of sexual activities and experiences may not be reciprocated by the non-autistic partner.

However, from our extensive clinical experience, the non-autistic partner is more likely to be concerned about the lack of sexual desire rather than an excess. The autistic partner may become asexual once he or she has children. In a relationship counselling session, the partner of an autistic man was visibly distressed when announcing that she and her husband had not had sex for over a year. Her autistic husband appeared confused and asked, “Why would you want sex when we have enough children?”

Partnership

In modern Western society, we have replaced the word husband or wife with the word partner. This reflects changing attitudes towards long-term relationships. There is an expectation of sharing the workload at home, for domestic chores and caring for the children, and being each other’s best friend regarding the disclosure of thoughts and feelings, reciprocal conversation, sharing experiences and emotional support. Taking on the role of a best friend is not easy for an autistic partner to achieve due to having lifelong difficulties making and maintaining friendships.

For those autistic adults who have problems with executive function, that is, organisational and time management abilities, distractibility and prioritisation, procrastination and completing tasks, the non-autistic partner often takes responsibility for the family finances, ensuring jobs are completed and resolving the organisational and interpersonal problems that have developed in their partner’s work situation. The non-autistic partner takes on the executive secretary/ mother role, frequently prompting their partner on what to do (Wilson et al., 2014). This aspect of the relationship adds to the stress and responsibility of the non-autistic partner and can be a source of conflict in the relationship.

Conflict management

In any relationship, there will inevitably be areas of disagreement and conflict, such as having different parenting styles. Unfortunately, autism is associated with a developmental history of limited ability to manage conflict successfully. The autistic partner may not be skilled in negotiation, accepting alternative perspectives, agreeing to compromise, and the art of apology and may tend to hold and ruminate over grudges. This can be due to difficulty with understanding the thoughts, feelings and perspectives of others, a central characteristic of autism and limited experiences of childhood and adolescent friendships where these abilities are practised. Effectiveness in resolving conflict is a factor in relationship satisfaction for both the autistic and non-autistic partner (Bolling, 2016).

Emotion management

Autism is associated with experiencing strong emotions, especially anxiety, anger and despair and difficulty coping with stress at work and home. (Attwood 2006). There may be issues in the relationship regarding anxiety because the autistic partner can be very controlling, and life for the whole family is based on rigid routines and predictable events. There may be concerns regarding anger management and the risk of physical and psychological abuse (Arad et al., 2022), and both partners may be vulnerable to being depressed (Arad et al., 2022; Gotham et al., 2015). The relationship may benefit from assessing specific mood disorders and appropriate treatment and professional support.

Mental and physical health

Surveys of the mental and physical health of couples where one partner is autistic indicate that the relationship has very different health effects for each partner (Arad et al., 2022; Aston, 2003). Most autistic male partners considered that their mental and physical health had significantly improved due to the relationship. They stated they felt less stressed and would prefer to be in the relationship than alone.

In contrast, most non-autistic partners stated that their mental health had significantly deteriorated due to the relationship. They felt emotionally exhausted and neglected, and many reported signs of clinical depression (Lewis, 2017). A sense of grief may be associated with losing the hoped-for relationship, as illustrated by the comment, “It’s not only what I’ve lost, it’s what I’ve never had… (Millar-Powell & Warburton, 2020). Most non-autistic survey respondents also stated that the stress associated with the relationship had contributed to a deterioration in physical health.

Thus, we increasingly recognise the potential benefits of couples engaging in relationship support and counselling, which focuses on assisting their clients in identifying each other’s needs and how best to meet them (Yew et al., 2023).

References

Arad, Schectman and Attwood (2022). Journal of Psychology and Psychotherapy 12

Aston (2003) Asperger’s in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs London, Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Attwood, T. (2006). The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome London, Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Bolling (2026) Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder and marital satisfaction: a quantitative study Antioch University, New England.

Gotham, Unruh and Lord (2015). Autism 19

Gray, Kirby & Holmes (2021). Autism in Adulthood 3

Lewis (2017) Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 43

Millar-Powell and Warburton (2020). Journal of Relationship Research 11

Milton, D. (2012.) Disability and Society 27

Smith et al., (2021) Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 51

Wilson, Beamish, Hay & Attwood (2014). Journal of Relationship Research 5

Yew, Hooley & Stokes (2023). Autism in press.